Okay, we know that Disney completely put their own spin on the Jamaican Bobsled Team, because if there really was a competitor named Sanka Coffee, he might have had a bigger run than Eddie “The Eagle Edwards in 1988. Played by Doug E. Doug, Coffee was the comedic star of the group, and the teams brake man based on his prowess in Push Cart races in Jamaica. Most importantly, most of the laughs in this film came from him, which might be worth something in our Hall of Fame. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Cool Runnings (1993) Actor Doug E. Doug Played for: Jamaican Bobsled Team Why you should vote for him: He was not the star of the bobsled team, but was the star of the film. Why you should not vote for him: His egg may be worth more votes. {youtube}
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The former relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, Sam “Mayday” Malone was your typical womanizing (though not always the swiftest) ex-jock. Malone was one of the top leading sitcom men in the 80’s and early 90’s and his show, Cheers, was one of the highest rated shows of its day. We saw a lot of Sam’s athletic past, as the company ringer for the softball team, striking out playmates in a charity game, a commercial with Luis Tiant and an unfulfilled comeback. As much was made of Malone’s baseball career, we love that fact and could champion him for the Hall. Hell, Sports Illustrated even ran an article that detailed his career stats (an impressive feat for any fictitious athlete). The only thing we can’t understand was his attraction to Shelley Long; we’ll call that one a blown save. The Bullet Points: TV Show Appeared: Cheers (1983-1992) Actor: Ted Danson Position Portrayed: Relief Pitcher Played for: Boston Red Sox Why you should vote for him: He remains one of the great characters of Sitcom history Why you should not vote for him: Diane Chambers…..the Sondra Locke of 80’s Sitcoms. {youtube}
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You may not be aware of this but Andrew Byrniarski was in a few Football films, usually playing the role of a defensive lunkhead. He did that in Necessary Roughness and Any Given Sunday, though his highest profile job came years after when he was cast as “Leatherface” in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot. For us, Byrniarski will always be “Steve Lattimer” the ESU Linebacker who discovered the benefits of steroids in the off season and showed us the joys of painting his face and how many Olympians beat a piss test. His role may be the most remembered of the movie, which considering starred James Caan and a young Halle Berry says something. This may be why Steve Lattimer gets into the Fictitious Athlete Hall of Fame before any other actor from the Program. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: The Program (1993) Actor: Andrew Byrniarski Position Portrayed: Linebacker Played for: ESU Timberwolves Why you should vote for him: He may be the most memorable character of “The Program” Why you should not vote for him: Overall, that movie was average. {youtube}
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It is not that Tom Cruise as a Football player is unbelievable. He is certainly athletic enough, but could they not have given a role as a receiver or in the secondary instead of Defensive Back? Really, the story is not what he did on the field (as his signature play is a pass interference penalty) but the relationship he had with his coach, his girlfriend and his desire to leave his small Pennsylvania town. Actually, when this came out, we were expecting a high school party movie (come on doesn’t the movie title sound like 80’s hilarity?), but overall it comes across as average fare. Had there been more focus on Football, this might have been a better film for the purposes of our Hall. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: All the Right Moves (1983) Actor: Tom Cruise Position Portrayed: Defensive Back Played for: Ampipe H.S. Why you should vote for him: Cruise was good in the dramatic parts, and it did help cement his career. Why you should not vote for him: We are still trying to buy Cruise as a Defensive Back. {youtube}
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