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The Athletes

Tommy Riordan

If you are going to have a Mixed Martial Arts film, the first thing you want is someone who looks the part. If they can act, it’s just a bonus. Tom Hardy delivered both as Tommy Riordan in the respected MMA film. In the film, Riordan is a former marine who is a natural at MMA and had a fight that went viral on the internet when he destroyed a man who was a pro fighter in less than 30 seconds. Riordan would enter a tournament where he would he be opposed by his brother, and though he did not…
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Tony Banta

At no point do we remember when we were watching Taxi, did we think that Tony Danza would have a long career in acting, but the former boxer started off playing a role he understood; a former boxer. As the dim-witted Tony Banta, Danza had the kind heart, tough fists and the New York attitude that helped make the ensemble comedy work. The show also paid a lot of attention to Banta’s boxing career, and made a point of incorporating it in minor plotlines. Incidentally Danza’s boxing record was considerably better than Banta’s; who was often knocked out. The Bullet…
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Tony Micelli

“Ay oh. Oh Ay.” This one perplexes us a bit. We admit to watching Who’s the Boss, though in our defence this was an era where nothing much else was on, and we were developing our crush on Alyssa Milano; which we still have to this day. The show may have been based on the sexual tension between Tony Danza (Tony Miceli) and Judith Light (Angela Bower), but in our sports related world, Micelli was a former Baseball player who had a cup of coffee with the St. Louis Cardinals. Danza could play the role of a former athlete, as…
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Torrance Shipman

So just what does being the lead cheerleader in a (and as far as we know only) successful cheerleading movie get you in regards to our Hall of Fame? Well Torrance Shipman (Kirsten Dunst) was the lead in every way in “Bring it on” and it led to a series of direct to video sequels. It was a money maker, a surprise hit, and became iconic in the world of cheerleading. Basically it comes down to this: if you think cheerleading is a sport, this is a solid contender for out Hall, and if you don’t it won’t be.  …
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Turbo

Sometimes we are convinced that Dreamworks can do no wrong. In the cute animated film, Turbo, we meet an ordinary garden snail that has a need for speed, and through a freak accident is able to achieve just that and gets to compete at the Indianapolis 500. Seriously, did you ever think when you were young that animation would come this far and would suck you in this much? Honestly, we think we have a sleeper candidate here.              The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Turbo (2013) Actor: Ryan Reynolds Why You Should Vote For Him: Well, he does win…
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Ty Webb

Although he never kept score, we knew that Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) was an exceptional golfer. The goofy prodigy would sometimes golf blindfolded, and though he was a little on the clumsy side, he was the ladies’ man of the film. If for no ever reason, Ty Webb is on this ballot because we guarantee that everyone reading this that has ever been on a golf course has gone “nananananana”. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Caddyshack (1980) Caddyshack II (1988) Actor: Chevy Chase Why you should vote for him: Webb was an icon of cool in Caddyshack. Why you should…
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Tyler Durden

Here we have another entry that confuses us. Does Tyler Durden in Fight Club count? We aren’t sure ourselves, as the character himself technically didn’t exist. Still in the world of bare knuckle boxing; this might be a classic….if you think of it that way. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Fight Club (1999) Actor: Brad Pitt Why you should vote for him: This is a cult classic that will live for a long time. Why you should not vote for him: Is this a sports film?
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Union Cane

For better or for worse, we have to respect anyone who is a World Heavyweight Champion in the Rocky Universe. Union Kane would challenge a very disoriented Rocky Balboa when he came back from Russia from his fight against Ivan Drago. The fight never materialized due to Balboa’s retirement, but Kane did win a tournament to become the vacant champion; a belt he held until Tommy Gunn destroyed him.              The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Rocky V (1990) Actor: Michael Williams Why You Should Vote For Him: There really is not a good one. He was a background figure…
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Vince Boudreau

As you may have deduced, we love Woody Harrelson in sports related films, but somehow (and shockingly considering this was directed by Ron Shelton) Play it to the Bone fell flat. Come to think of it, we may have liked Woody better as the failed Quarterback in Wildcats. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Play it to the Bone (1999) Actor: Woody Harrelson Why you should vote for him: Woody is an icon in the world of Fictitious Athletes. Why you should not vote for him: The boxing result somehow did not matter here. How the hell did that happen?
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Vincent Lauria

Although we think Tom Cruise does not always get the credit he deserves regarding his acting skills, it may have been because he appeared opposite some serious legends like Dustin Hoffman (Rain Man) and Paul Newman in The Color of Money that he looked like he couldn’t measure up. We always thought that Cruise held his own against Newman, and played the role of the pompous pool player who had a gift with a stick. Admittedly, we enjoyed the scenes with Newman more, but remember Vince embarrassed his mentor with a perfect hustle at the end. Of course, we also…
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Viola Hastings

Before Amanda Bynes went completely nuts, she was the sweetheart of family friendly romantic teen coms. One of her most popular roles was as Viola Hastings, a Soccer player who wanted to test her skills by competing with the boys. She of course posed as a boy to compete, and the standard clichés occurred. Unlike her twitter account, there was a happy ending here, and this was not the worst Shakespearean adaptation ever done. It was far from the best though. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: She’s the Man (2006) Actor: Amanda Bynes Position Portrayed: Forward Played for: Illyria Why…
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Vontae Mack

Although the player who was the focus of the NFL draft in the Kevin Costner film, Draft Day, was the University of Wisconsin Quarterback, it was a Linebacker from Ohio State who would go first overall and be the real (or so we are led to believe) prize in the draft. Vontae Mack (Chadwick Boseman) lobbied hard to be a Cleveland Brown (really?) and through footage and persistence he convinces Crash Davis, Ray Kinsella, Billy Chapel, the Bodyguard guy Sonny Weaver Jr. (Kevin Costner) to do just that. Hey, this guy moonlit as Jackie Robinson so let’s agree that they…
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Walter Sobchak

Possibly the angriest man on the ballot, Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) had no problem pulling out a gun when needed, referencing everything back to his time in Vietnam and sticking to the rules of bowling. Is this the staple of a Fictitious Athlete Hall of Fame? Depending on your love of this cult film, he just might be. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: The Big Lebowski (1998) Actor: John Goodman Why you should vote for him: If you saw him, you remembered him. Not everyone on this ballot can say that. Why you should not vote for him: Athletic competition…
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Warren Coolidge

The undisputed star player of Carver, Warren Coolidge was the towering Center whose size and skills made him a favorite of Coach Reeves, but his laziness also made him a constant target. Most of our favorite episodes of the White Shadow; especially the ones where his naivety showed through, leading some of the program’s funnier moments.   Coolidge was the only character we got to learn anything concrete about after his Carver High days, as he appeared as an orderly in St. Elsewhere and learned that his pro dreams never did materialize. Wait, if Coolidge was on St. Elsewhere, does that…
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White Goodman

Although you were supposed to detest White Goodman, Ben Stiller played it so over the top, that though you still wanted him to lose, you did not want to see him leave the screen, because he was so damned entertaining. Goodman gave his interpretation of what he thought masculinity and male virility should be in a Napoleonic package. We would not be surprised to see Goodman as one of the first Sports Villains in our Hall. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) Actor: Ben Stiller Played for: Globo Gym Why you should vote for him:…
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Yul Brenner

He was always mean looking, and he was named Yul Brenner. Actually, that’s all we got, and that might be good enough for us. Seriously, how can you not love a character named after the King of Siam? The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Cool Runnings (1993) Actor: Malik Yoba Played for: Jamaican Bobsled Team Why you should vote for him: Was not the character name enough? Why you should not vote for him: Yeah we know. A cool name is not enough for this to be a serious candidate.
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Zeus

How often do you see a cross eyed, uni-browed, roided up, monosyllabic, African American villain in a movie? Let’s hope only this one time. The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: No Holds Barred (1989) Actor: Tom “Tiny” Lister Why you should vote for him: Perhaps, as a residual effect from his role as Deebo in the Friday movies? Why you should not vote for him:. This movie stunk.
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