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The Athletes

Dave "Killer" Carlson

Our favorite thing about Dave “Killer” Carlson is not that his name was an amalgamation of the real names of the Hanson Brothers. It was not that he was a muppet faced lovable goon. No, our favorite thing as the actor would become Mr. Marcia Brady in one of the Brady TV Movies which made him the hero of many red blooded Americans of a certain age. Seriously, that really is our favorite thing about him.
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Dave Stoller

Funny how Dennis Christopher was nominated for the Most Promising Newcomer in the Golden Globes, though his co-stars (Dennis Quaid, Daniel Stern and Jackie Earle Haley) would all go on to have far more successful careers in Hollywood. Despite that fact, “Breaking Away” was the coming of age story of Dave Stoller (Christopher) and his attempt to find a better life for himself via cycling, and by proxy European culture. It is the often told story of the common vs. the elite, and an inspirational one at that with Stoller winning a cycling competition on behalf of the “Cutters” (the…
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David Greene

Does this one count? David Greene (Brendan Fraser) is from a working class Jewish family in Scranton, and is awarded an athletic scholarship to St. Matthews Prep. He faces bigotry once his teammates and classmates find out he is Jewish, but that is what the film is about, which overshadowed the few decent gridiron scenes from Fraser, who had the frame at the time to deliver it. This may have been one of the better roles of Fraser’s career (we are not exactly sure if that says something), but without seeing enough of the sport, do we really have a…
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David Simms

A decade after Sonny Crockett, Don Johnson gave us the unlikeable, David Simms, who gave us little to no reason to find empathy for him in any capacity. That was the point, as Johnson played the part of a dick perfectly. The question is an obnoxious sports villain worthy of our Hall of Fame? It might, but we aren’t sure it is Simms.
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Dean Youngblood

Yes we know that Youngblood was far from a cinematic masterpiece, but it is a guilty pleasure for many. Rob Lowe plays an offensively gifted hockey player, but he lacks the ability to fight; which of course is all that matters in Hockey; at least in this movie. So what happens of course? He bangs the coach’s daughter, scores goals and beats the goon who knocked him cold at the start of the movie (and severely injured his best friend) at the end; all with the acting skills of a spice rack.
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Demetrius Harris

The character of rookie Running Back, Demetrius Harris may not have had much of a moral compass, but that was probably the point of the character on the ESPN original show, Playmakers. The show only lasted one season, though not because of ratings; which were actually very high. The NFL basically threatened ESPN that they would remove the game from the network due to the graphic portrayal of the game, even though they never said it was the NFL, nor did they ever say where the Cougars actually played. Most of their concerns, we suspect were the depiction of Harris…
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Dennis Doyle

Simon Pegg has made a good living in the United Kingdom as the socially unaware, never fulfilled comedic character that you don’t know whether to love or give a backhand to for wrecking his life. In Run, Fatboy, Run, Pegg plays Dennis Doyle a slightly overweight man, who left his fiancé at the altar and has been trying to get her back ever since. When she gets engaged again, it is to an American who will be running the Nike River Run, so Dennis decides even though he is out f shape that he will do the same. The film…
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Derek Sutton

In watching “Youngblood”, we still are not sure if Patrick Swayze was a real good actor, or just someone who did not stink while surrounded by idiotic lines and weak acting. Maybe, it is a bit of both. As Derek Sutton, Swayze was the star Centre for the Hamilton Mustangs (despite Swayze being 34 years old at the time, fourteen years older than the oldest player in Junior Hockey) and was thankful to be in a sport for “middle sized white guys”. He was the leader of the team, which is until the Hollywood injury to the opponent’s goon took…
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Derek Vinyard

A controversial candidate for many obvious reasons, Derek Vinyard (Edward Norton) was the main protagonist in American History X, a film about a neo-Nazi who repented while in prison. One of the more pivotal scenes was when Vinyard led his team white supremacists to victory over a group of African Americans on a playground basketball court. It was a scene we loved and detested at the same time, but it was one of the better cinematic triumphs of the sport seen on the silver screen. Too bad that triumph was a little too much “Triumph of the Will”
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Derice Bannock

Derice Bannock was the leader (and inadvertent killjoy on occasion) of the Disney version of the 1988 Jamaican Bobsled team. Although we know this was hardly a representation of what really happened, we did love the drive and love Bannock had to compete in the Olympics. It was not the most heroic sports character of all time, but in some ways it was among the purest. That should be worth something.
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Diana Guzman

Even though this is a film that empowers women and speaks from a strong feminist message, is it totally wrong that our favorite part of the movie is just watching the lovely, Michelle Rodriguez launch her career as the Latina tough girl in film and television? Frankly, that is enough for us! The Bullet Points: Movie Appeared: Girlfight (2000) Actor: Michelle Rodriguez Why you should vote for her: She might be the toughest female on the ballot. Why you should not vote for her: How many people watched this movie anyway?
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Doris Murphy

Brought in for comic relief, Rosie O’Donnell (Doris Murphy) was also the tough and insecure one of the team. Like Madonna (who would become her close friend), O’Donnell was at her best in a role like this, where she did not have to carry a movie; something she would prove over and over again that she could not do. Still, O’Donnell was decent here, and we would not be surprised to see a few votes cast this way.
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Dorothy

It may not have been one of the great teen 1980’s “coming of age” films in the United States, but Gregory’s Girl was just that in Scotland, and in the United Kingdom in general. The “girl” in question is Dorothy, the object of Gregory’s affection and the best player on the soccer team. We have to respect anyone who is the best player on a certain team, but is this film really about the sport? Not really.
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Doug "The Thug" Glatt

The 2011 hockey film, Goon, may never be thought historically as the 1977 sports classic, Slap Shot, but with a name like “Goon”, nobody could say that the movie did not deliver on its promise. Sean William Scott (AKA: Steve Stiffler from the American Pie Movies) played Doug Glatt, a monosyllabic bar bouncer with fists of steel and brains of mush. Through a series of events, his pugilistic skills brought him to minor hockey in Canada, where like any hockey player he can fight, became popular with the fans. As a pure hockey film, it wasn’t the best representation of…
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Doug Remer

As we discuss all of the Fictitious Athletes, we have a candidate from a fictitious sport. Matt Stone and Trey Parker gave us BASEketball, the hybrid of HORSE, Baseball, Basketball and trash talking; all in a post Generation X Slacker world. Stone played Doug Remer, slacker turned athlete, and the kind of guy you wanted to hang around with in high school. He was a bit of the sidekick in the film, but his mini transformation to sports diva was equal part satire and hilarity. That may be good enough for a lot of people.
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Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh

Tim Robbins may have looked more awkward trying to act like an athlete than anyone else who ever wore a jersey, but somehow we got over it as his portrayal of the flame throwing pitcher, Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh was very enjoyable. Sure, he was a little slow on the uptake, but that made him a perfect counter for Crash Davis; the Zen Master of Minor League Baseball. LaLoosh made it to the show; due to his natural talents, and in his last scene, he was showing the last lesson from Davis; the art of the baseball clichés.  
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Ed Monix

There was something a little strange seeing Woody Harrelson in Semi-Pro. It was not because we didn’t buy him as a Basketball player, as he proved it years before in White Man Can’t Jump, but he was the straight man, which was essentially the “sane” man in the Will Farrell vehicle. As Ed Monix, Harrelson was a washed up physically, though he continued to play at a pro level due to his high Hoops IQ. Monix may not have been the star, but a lot of his role comprised (leading man, de facto team leader) had first billing tendencies. Overall,…
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Eddie "Kid Natural" Scanlon

At what point did any casting agent look at Ryan O’Neal and think that he could be a credible boxer? Actually, we are still trying to figure out who thought he was a credible actor in the first place? We have no problem stating that this is one of the worst fictitious boxers we have ever seen, but “The Main Event” was a box office success, so maybe we are in the minority here.
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Eddie Harris

Clearly channeling Gaylord Perry, Eddie Harris may have been of advanced age, but his “Vaseline Ball” (and occasional use of snot) made him the ace of the Indians staff (remember he was the starting pitcher against the Yankees in that final game) in Major League. Although we did see him pitch, we remember his holy wars with Pedro Cerrano far more. Sadly, his “Fuck You Jobu” line didn’t work out too well did it?
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Eric Olczyk

Generally the Linebacker is not the star of the team in regards to a fictitious Football team, but that is what we have with Eric Olczyk, the steadying presence of the Cougars. He was their team leader, and a relatively speaking, drama free character who provided the steady balance needed to make the show work. As the show only lasted one season, we never got to see where Olczyk was going to go, or what other dimension he was to be given. Still, this show remains a bit of a cult favorite, and if anyone from this program deserves entry…
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Esquelito

Many of the laughs that came from the inconsistent Jack Black effort, Nacho Libre, came from his tag team partner, the uber-thin Esquelito, played by Hector Jiménez. Jiménez has been tabbed as the Mexican Steve Buscemi (which is a compliment or an insult depending on your point of view), and we can’t imagine anyone else playing the sidekick here. Again, as with our commentary on Jack Black’s role, we still aren’t sure what we think of this movie, and wonder how much support either Esquelito or Ignacio will get.
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